Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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