i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize