my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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