You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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