She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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