Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize