after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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