i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize