That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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