my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
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