this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
