we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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