Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
