i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
