that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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