my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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