I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
