I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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