just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I can tuck mytits in my pants
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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