I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I intend to get homeless drunk
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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