I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
