Rock
Scissors
Fuck
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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