Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
My dick has a subreddit
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
