I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
