Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
