i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
