I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
