i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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