I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize