last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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