My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize