So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
