3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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