Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
