Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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