party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
