If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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