I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
