I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
