When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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