my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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