if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
