soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
jump out the window naked night went bad
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I did not marry a roomba.
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