i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize