I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
