please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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