just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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