im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Randomize
