im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
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