We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
