By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
it's great music for shaving your balls
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
