I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
