I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
