I just threw up on my dentist
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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