Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
