Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
