I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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