just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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