and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
