I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
