dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize