my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
