mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Please don't give away my fajitas
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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