So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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