We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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