is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
