i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Randomize
