Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
