Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Randomize
